


Mature Language Filter

by Dabberdees



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, Graham is an ex-bus driver and I drive in the UK, TARDIS shenanigans, Thasmin if you squint, There's swearing, and I mean if you really squint, it came from a popular Tumblr post of mine, it's enough to make anyone swear when driving round a roundabout, sorta crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 16:06:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18369419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dabberdees/pseuds/Dabberdees
Summary: A component in the TARDIS is on the fritz which makes the Doctor disconnect it only to find out that her human friends speak in such a curious manner with words she's never even heard before.





	Mature Language Filter

The TARDIS for once has a calm, serene atmosphere. No clanging of the Cloister Bells, no wheezing of the fantastic engines, no… it was too good to be true as a loud bash of a suspiciously sounding wooden object and a vaguely human one crash in one of the side corridors and the console room is graced with a shout of indignation.

“ _FUCKING CHAIR_.”

Ryan looks up quizzically with a raised eyebrow at Yaz and goes to open his mouth just as his Grandad limps into the console room dragging the guilty-looking chair behind him. “Who in their right mind leaves a fucking chair in the middle of the hallway?” He throws the chair down and bends to rub at his shin. “And not just the middle of the damn hallway but right outside my fucking door,” demanded Graham in a furious voice. “I tripped over it and went ass over tit.”

“Aren’t you old enough to look where you’re walking now gramps?” joked Ryan trying his best to hide the ever-growing smirk and taking a keen interest in his phone so his grandad doesn’t see it. “Open your eyes next time.”

Graham glares at him through narrowed eyes. “Remind me then. The next time we’re on Earth to leave shit outside your room.”

The Doctor looks at Graham, her face scrunching in absolute confusion at the unfamiliar words littered between the ones she recognises. “What are you saying, Graham?”

Graham, missing the point of her question completely snaps his frustrated eyes to her. “The bastard chair.” He kicks at it, still annoyed and winces when he figures out that fleshy foot VS wooden object was never a good idea or a fair fight. On the other hand, if looks could kill that chair would be even deader than the tree it came from. He takes a deep breath and snaps his angry eyes to each of them.

The Doctor shakes her head. “No, I get that Graham, someone, I’m not naming names may have left a chair out but…” She looks a little bit sheepish before carrying on. “…what I don’t get is what you’re saying.”

“What?” Graham furrows his brows and narrows his eyes to stare at the Doctor, confused about what she’s talking about. He looks away with a shake of his head and carries on with what he was previously saying, ignoring the Doctor’s statement for the time being. “It doesn’t matter about what I’m saying Doc, what matters is that someone, and that means one of you..” He gestures harshly at all three of them. “..left it there for me to fucking trip over and hurt my shin.” sulked Graham.

“It wasn’t me gramps; I was just messing with you earlier.”

“And on my police badge Graham it wasn’t me, our flat back home is small enough that leaving stuff out will always end in someone tripping on it, so we always put it back.”

All three turn to the Doctor, who for some strange reason suddenly has an exciting part of her console to stare at. “It was you Doc, wasn’t it?”

The Doctor slowly looks up at Graham, an authentic apologetic look in her eyes that melts away his fading anger fully. “I’m sorry Graham, my legs used to be a lot longer than they are now and I needed to reach a panel above your door, it was flashing up on the TARDIS console, and I had to disconnect it.”

Graham gives his shin one final rub before looking back up at her and nodding. “Very well, I accept your apology but don’t go leaving fucking chairs or whatever outside my door again.”

The Doctor frowns again. “You used that word again, the one from earlier when I asked what you were saying, and then you ignored my question, which was a bit rude if I so say myself.”

Graham ignores the second part and focuses on her first comment. “What word?”

“The one before chairs.”

Graham glances at Ryan and Yaz with a perplexed expression and a shrug. “What about it? You’ve heard me say it before.” He lets out a slight laugh and rubs the back of his neck. “Cause if there’s a sudden swear jar on the TARDIS just point me to it and I’ll lob a couple of quid in it like the one I have in the kitchen back home.”

“Swear jar?” The Doctor looks even more lost and confused now. “No, you’ve never said that word before.”

Yaz has a look of worry on her face as she comes to stand closer to the Doctor. “Are you alright Doctor?”

The Doctor faces her. “I’m fine.” She stares at the three humans before pointing at Graham. “It’s Graham, he’s making up words.” whined the Doctor.

“No, Doctor, he’s not,” added Ryan, glancing between all three of his fellow occupants. “He’s a notorious swearer, sorta got to be when you drive a bus I reckon.”

“I’m not that bad Ryan,” grumbled Graham. “And anyway, you start driving a bus around, and you’ll start seeing the absolute wankers on the roads, how I or my passengers never died because some idiot cut you up going round a roundabout is something I’ll never understand or know.”

Ryan stares at him with raised eyebrows and a less than impressed expression. “Oh really, you’re not that bad? Cause as far as I know the only reason we have that swear jar in the kitchen in the first place is that you, over every minor inconvenience go ‘fuck my life’ like an overdramatic drama student.”

“I don’t.” squawked Graham with a frown. “And you’re one to talk; you stay up to all hours playing that Underwatch..”

“Overwatch.”

“Whatever.” Graham waves a hand through the air. “Overwatch game then, and don’t think I don’t hear you swearing at it.”

“Boys!” yelled Yaz quickly, shutting them up when she spots Ryan about to retort. “There’s nothing wrong with swearing or who does it more, really there isn’t, but I think we have more pressing matters at the moment cause the Doctor is looking at us like we’re speaking another language altogether.” To prove her point, she gestures back at the Doctor who has a permanent frown etched on her face.

“Fucking?” mumbled the Doctor, trying the word out. She looks directly at Yaz. “What is fucking Yaz?” Yaz turns red, splutters and chokes on the air in the span of a second just as Graham bursts out laughing.

Without missing a beat, Ryan speaks up to answer her question. “It’s when two people who love each…” Ryan doesn’t get to finish his sentence as Graham, still laughing, manages to shove a hand in front of his mouth.

Yaz glares at Graham. “This is your fault!”

“How is it my fault I said nothing that I wouldn’t normally say?” countered Graham, still smirking over the entire situation. “And how was I spose to know that the Doc literally never heard them before, she never mentioned about it or paid attention when I said them before.”

The Doctor has gone quiet, needing to know why she suddenly understands new words in English. She reads the display for a few minutes while her human companions bicker in the background about whose fault it was. She gets to the part she was looking for, and a look of recognition appears on her face now. “That makes sense.” She cocks her head to the side and pulls a face. “Spose I would’ve known about it if I never threw the manual into a supernova, or even read past the title of it before throwing it out.”

“Knew what Doctor?” asked Yaz, mid-counter-counter argument.

The Doctor gestures to the screen. “The thing I disconnected earlier was part of the TARDIS translation circuit, never knew it had another part to it until it went on the fritz earlier.”

“Okay, well what did it do, Doc?”

The Doctor reads for a moment longer before looking up at her friends. “Mature language filter, whatever that is.”

“Like an MMO?” questioned Ryan making everyone turn to him with puzzlement. “Oh come on, have none of you heard of an MMO?” When no one makes a motion of knowing he sighs. “Massive Multiplayer Online, they usually stick mature filters on, and they either change the words or replace them with stars.”

Yaz nods understanding first. She looks to the others. “You know when you send a text, and you write ‘Fucking’, but the auto-correct says ‘Ducking’ instead.” She points at Graham. “You’re always trying to correct yourself, but I end up with seven messages of ‘Ducking’ and then ‘Ducking phone, I’ll phone you.”

“That’s what it’s doing Yaz? Well it’s really ‘ _Ducking_ ’ annoying.” said Graham in air-quotations before turning to face the Doctor again. “So your ship then, she had one on, and you’ve never heard a human swear before?”

“Yup!” said the Doctor grinning. “Learning new things about her even now.” She pats the TARDIS.

"So if you never heard us swear before then what were you hearing?" pondered Graham thoughtfully. "Cause I really wanna know what your ship substituted for them."

The Doctor faces down at the screen again and reads a bit further. “Oh, she’s put a convenient list of words and what she blocked them with. Only thing is I don’t know what they mean though, there are things like wanker like Graham said earlier and then Fucking but the rest, I’m not sure on."

“Like what Doctor?” asked Yaz, walking closer to the Doctor now.

The Doctor leans down and reads the first few. “Shit is one… and oh, there’s this one that sounds like country without the try. I think it goes Cu..”

“NO!” all three humans shout at the same time. “Not that one.”

Ryan gives a glance to the others before focusing back on the Doctor. “Whatever you do Doctor, saying that is an instant bad vibe cause some people really hate that word, it’s like the worst one you can say,” explained Ryan, he flicks his eyes back to Graham. “Nan caught me saying it once.” Graham makes an ‘Oh’ face and nods, understanding completely what his grandson is hinting at. “She gave me a right bollocking.”

“So there are words you can and cannot say on here?” inquired the Doctor, looking back down at it. “I might need a hand learning the different ones.”

“I’ll show you, Doctor, tell you which ones to say and which ones you should avoid. Just don’t make a habit of it as Graham does, cause swearing should be used when it’s needed.”

“I don’t swear that much!” argued Graham again. “I really don’t and if I do I do it for a reason, and it’s needed, now if you really want to hear excessive swearing then you should…”

“Come on, gramps, let us get you a tea or something.” interrupted Ryan over what he’s sure would be a well thought out rant. “Yaz and the Doctor have some ‘ _lessons_ ’ to go through.” He makes a grab for his grandad and starts to pull him from the console room. Ryan only glances back once, and he smirks when he sees the Doctor and Yaz sitting close to one another, the latter staring at the Doctor’s face as she reads out the new words with gusto. "Hey gramps, when do you think they're gonna fuck?" All he hears from up front is a stumble and a choked splutter, and he grins to himself.


End file.
